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“Well, it’s got a lot better than it used to be. The last two times I disclosed being positive was ‘So what difference does that make if we do safe sex?’ and ‘Thanks for telling me’. It’s also a lot more common to be asked.”

“I haven’t had any bad experiences yet, but, I know that before I was diagnosed I used to try to avoid guys that I thought were positive. I have friends who do that too, although they wouldn’t admit it to me now. So, I worry about disclosing, and I get anxious when I do it, but so far it hasn’t ever meant that the sex hasn’t happened. I think most negative guys deal with it better than I did when I was negative!”

“I used to have a lot of casual sex, but now I mainly only have sex with guys where I think there is a chance of something more developing. So, I tell them early. If they can’t deal with it, then a relationship isn’t going to work anyway. That’s their loss.”
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The Disclosure Dilemma

Anonymous or casual sex is a significant part of the lives of many gay men. While having sex without disclosing your HIV status is against the law in some Australian states (see our Law & HIV Transmission page), in practice, disclosure under these circumstances does not always happen.

Fear of HIV and ignorance about how to avoid transmission can lead HIV-negative men to avoid sex and relationships with HIV-positive men. Many positive men have been rejected upon disclosing to potential partners and, in very rare cases, even threatened with violence.

Some men find that meeting guys online avoids a lot of problems. Some guys openly state they are positive, while others do this in a way that most guys online would understand indicates HIV positive status (see our Cruising Online page).

Other men avoid disclosure with casual partners by only having safe sex. That way if anything goes wrong, they have taken steps to protect the other guy. Many men find this the best option in situations where talking isn’t really practical, like at a sauna or sex club.

There is no easy way to disclose your HIV status to your sexual partners, or any guarantee they will respond positively. It helps to think about it in advance and have a plan.

When it comes to relationships, most positive men who choose to disclose early in the relationship find that their partner is supportive. The dilemma is when does a casual partner become a boyfriend? But in the real world, stigma and discrimination against people with HIV can mean that:

  • disclosing can lead to rejection that can sometimes be traumatic

  • there’s no guarantee the person you disclose to will respect your confidentiality

  • he may become upset or angry

  • he may want to talk about it and you might not want to play the role of a counsellor or educator at that time.

    • Some HIV-negative gay men believe that it is the sole responsibility of gay men with HIV to disclose their status before having sex. There have been successful prosecutions brought against men in Australia for knowingly transmitting HIV. However, there are more personal reasons for disclosing early:

  • it’s a quick way to find out if you want to get to know the person better;

  • if you think that you are eventually going to tell someone you’ve met, the longer you delay it, the harder it can become – and the more resentment you might have to deal with;

  • you might be seeking other positive partners;

  • it makes it more likely that you’ll stick to practising sex that’s safe for you and your partner; and

  • if a condom breaks, you’ve told him first of the potential risks.

    • HIV is a fact of life these days, particularly gay men’s lives, and responsibilities in any sexual encounter are always shared responsibilities. So, be bold and remember it’s his problem if he can’t deal with it.



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